Thursday, January 31, 2008

Beauty and the Geek

It's on seven right now. Hottie chicks paired with geeky guys performing various semi-entertaining tasks like dressing the hotties down and making them try and earn drinks at a bar.

I hate all those women. Vapid, self absorbed, skin deep fame whores the lot of them.

Stupid reality TV. While I support writers in their strike in the US the downside is the growth of unscripted shows like this fetid crap.

Bullet holes marred by birdshit

Bogan's Car, Australia: Area Bogan Shane Jason said today that recent deposits of bird shit on his hotted up ute have marred the symmetry and ability to suspend the sense of disbelief in regards to his lovingly applied bullet hole stickers.

'It fully looked like ganstas had shot up me ute eh?' said Shane Jason of the stickers, which when applied to a car make it appear to a casual observer that the vehicle in question has been assaulted by gunfire. 'Only the shit's on the holes so youse can tell it ain't holes.'

Shane then tail gated some careful road users before spinning his tyres at the lights in an attempt to deflect attention from the obvious tiny penis he has.

Big Issue (blessyou)

I purchased a Big Issue yesterday (I think it's a terrific scheme and should be fully supported).

The dude took my $20 then went off to break it for change. As he did he said 'I will sign it when I get back.'

I thought he mangled something about giving me a receipt. No, sign it he did. Right across his chest. He was the spotlighted vendor.

Good on him. Not sure what I am going to do with my autographed big issue however. Ebay here I come?

Friends

Another TV confession. I love Friends. I do. I think it was an awesome show. It's no Seinfeld or Curb or Arrested Dev, but it still rawked in its own special way and I am more than happy to watch the repeats.

That is all.

Good point

Greg Barns, lawyer extraoirdinaire and occasional contributor in Crikey had this to say of Carey in Tuesday's issue. It's been a day so I don't think the Crikey lads will mind.

I hate super sports stars. They're like all the rah rah sports jocks I met in high school. But they're entitled to privacy like anyone. Whoever handed over that CCTV footage should be sued and sacked.
Wayne Carey is, like us, entitled to the presumption of innocence

Greg Barns writes:

There’s nothing quite like it – trial by media, that is. Just ask former AFL star and commentator Wayne Carey. If you had read, watched and listened to various media outlets yesterday, you would be forgiven for thinking that Carey had been charged with serious offences and found guilty, all within 24 hours.

How about we all take a Bex and have a good lie down. And how about we remember that Carey, like each and every one of us, is entitled to the presumption of innocence.

Before anyone runs off at the mouth about what a terrible fellow that Carey is, let's put some salient facts on the table.

Firstly, Carey has not yet been charged with any offences as a result of his alleged altercation with police on Sunday evening, and he may not be charged.

Secondly, the use by Channel 7 and Channel 9 last night of CCTV footage of Carey being escorted from his apartment by police was a gross breach of Carey’s rights. The use of footage such as this surely interferes with Carey’s right to a fair trial, given the way in which the media are portraying the footage.

Thirdly, if the body corporate of the apartment block in which Carey’s Port Melbourne apartment is located gave the CCTV footage to media outlets without the consent of Carey, they may face legal action from him.

Fourthly, if a security guard gave the footage to the media, then he or she had no legal right to do so. In fact, it could be said that if that was the case, then the security guard or any person other than the body corporate who took the footage has committed theft, and if the TV stations took it from such a source they are guilty of handling stolen goods. The fact that they didn’t pay for the footage, as Channel 9 self righteously proclaimed last night, is irrelevant.

Finally, the organisations with which Carey has media contracts such as 3AW should think long and hard before sacking him. They would surely not tear up a contract with one of their employees or contracted talent simply on the basis that the individual is being invested by police or has been charged? Or perhaps, if they follow the lead of some other media outlets, they would, given that when it comes to Wayne Carey the presumption of innocence appears to be irrelevant.

Even the Victorian Police Commissioner Christine Nixon has decided that Carey is guilty, with her highly prejudicial and unfortunate comments yesterday about Carey not being a good role model for kids. Maybe the presumption of innocence gets in the way of the Chief Commissioner’s let’s get tough with crims strategy that she’s announcing today.

Keating Vs McGuinness

Paddy McGuinness, former editor for Quadrant and the Oz Fin Review, died recently (same day as Soeharto in fact). McGuinness was one of those odd creatures that started as a die hard leftie (Marxist I believe) then went super right to die hard rightie. Given his politics are in opposition to mine I had little regard for his views, and what few pieces of his I read merely confirmed it.

Anyway Paul Keating was often on the blunt end of McG. And in true Keating! style on the eve of McG's funeral Keating has put the boot in - and how!

Naturally enough Keating! has done the equiv of stomping on an ant's nest with furious righties across the Oz opinionist landscape crying foul (typical of that lot).

AFR's letters page is subscriber only, but the SMH report on Keating's letter can be found here.

Here's the segment of the article on Keating!'s words (the first half is the 'wah the right shall come again' crap).

What Keating said

Mr Keating wrote that McGuinness, a former editor of The Australian Financial Review, "could never have imagined that, within a year of taking office, the guy in the navy blue suit from Sussex Street, one of the 'thugs' on the Right, would have completely deregulated the banking system, removing all deposit maturity and lending controls, totally abolishing exchange controls while moving the exchange rate from a price-based to a quantity-based system.

"And at the same time, reducing previous treasurer John Howard's profligate budget deficit by a substantial proportion of GDP.

"What, as editor of the AFR, could he say?

"He was obliged to applaud.

"And it rankled with him for the balance of his professional life."

Mr Keating, who was prime minster from 1991 to 1996, defended his attack on McGuinness, who died aged 69 on Saturday after a struggle with cancer, as something that was a long time coming.

"In a long public life I have made it a rule never to speak ill of the dead; to not criticise someone who can no longer respond to the criticism," Mr Keating said.

"I am going to break that rule in the case of Paddy McGuinness.

"I do so for this reason: in the last two decades of his life, McGuinness heaped more vitriol and contumely on me than anyone in public life.

"Working on the notion that 'the dogs may bark but the caravan moves on', I rarely responded to his unreasonable and unceasing tirades.

"So, in that piggy bank of reasonableness, I have a massive store of credits that, in all fairness, I am in a moral position to draw on."

McGuinness, who went on to become a columnist with News Ltd and Fairfax papers, would be continually critical of Keating and his government, no matter what economic reforms they achieved, Mr Keating said.

"He also failed to recognise, as someone who always barracked for thrift and national savings, that the Keating government, and only the Keating government, had legislated the 9 per cent superannuation guarantee charge, resulting in a pool of savings now totalling a massive $1.2 trillion," Mr Keating said.

"But no marks from McGuinness for that.

"If that wasn't good enough for him, what about tariffs?

"I took the tariff changes to the cabinet table in the Hawke years but, more importantly, I stuck with them during the recession when it really hurt to stick with them, when everybody - the ACTU, all the employer groups, the motor industry, the clothing, footwear and textile industries among others - was on my back to drop them.

"You would think that an honest observer, who had proselytised against tariffs for years, would give a conscientious government marks for seeing that vast protectionism done in.

"But not McGuinness."

Mr Keating signed off with this stinging barb: "The quality of the Australian press will rise simply because his vituperation and contumely will have been excised from it."

Gold. I had to look contumely up.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Come on Mick

Mick Keelty has a very difficult job. He's working in climate of massively increased operational tempo and having I believed doubled the size of the ALP in the last 10 years.

So I can understand that the media can make investigator's efforts more onerous. I do. I get that. But to call for the ban on media reporting on so called terrorism cases is nothing less than censorship. And as many have pointed out grossly hypocritical given the sieve like nature of some in the AFP who briefed the Murdoch press almost exclusively on such cases in the past few years. I'm not saying Keelty has personally done that. And I am sure it's hard to stop it. But until he slams the lids done on the AFP members and their hangers on from spinning for the cubs to pet newspapers then he can hardly complain about the media focusing on mistakes and errors in AFP investigations.

The media when it does its job puts the spotlight on the executive branch of government. Anything less allows complacency, incompetence, and plain corruption to fester. Keelty knows that.

Mind you he was making his remarks at the Sydney Institute, home to 'leave the right wing alone, we're so terrific' Gerard Henderson, so perhaps he was preaching to the choir on that one.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Wanky blog brag

Yes I am a blog wanker. For on occasion I will, and all chuffed like, point out numerical milestones reached on this blog because round numbers are kewl. Which is why we all went mad for the year 2000 (despite the fact only the Cubans got the millennial date right and celebrated it the following year), even though the Western calender is an arbitrary effort which was miscalculated in the first place given Jesus' birth date has been generally being agreed on as happening about four years before said calendar started*.

Anyway, speaking of 2000, I cracked 2000 posts. The 2000th post was, by happy coincidence, me slagging off the federal Liberal party/leader. No surprises there since there have been so, so many posts along those lines.

Hey it's not my fault they produce such a fabulous wealth of blog commentary inspiration.

*Which is one of the reasons BC and AD has morphed into BCE (Before Common Era) and CE (Common Era I believe). Apparently there's no year 0. That weirds me out. Doesn't that stuff up the math?

The last time we have to hear his shit

In a big long media focussed speech that is. Bush has delivered his final State of the Union. In reality he could have summed it up in the three short words of 'we be fucked.'

But, alas, there was much more than that. Including a plea to the Dems to reduce the deficit his administration was almost single handedly responsible for. For the skinny and links see MB's site here.

Nerd Night Goodness

I played a basic D&D game tonight. Yep, basic. As in the red books.

Anyway my character, Mr Charisma (so named for his highest attribute), was investigating the ground beneath a giant tapestry / wall carpet . This naturally enough was a monster and dropped on Mr Charisma, bearing him to the ground, wrapping him in place. It then sprouted tiny mouths and proceeded to bite and tear at his unprotected flesh.

Yes, it's true. Mr Charisma was munched ... by a rug.

Pulling a half Nelson

Brendan Nelson, former ALP member and ex head of one of Australia's most powerful unions and now leader of the federal opposition, has waxed forth on the whole apology thing.

According to the SMH Nelson indicated that "I have a bit of a concern about the idea of one generation being responsible for things that we might be proud of in the past or things about which we feel a sense of shame."

Nelson then went on to say that cost of living pressures had a greater priority.

Somewhat ironic given his former government's administration helped fuel those cost of living pressures.

So symbolism and non economic measures is less important eh? This generation cannot feel pride in the achievements of another generation eh? Bradman / Gallipoli, the former Libs didn't fixate on that at all eh?

Speaking of economics and symbolism when Nelson was Education minister he made it a policy of the Federal government that schools would not get funds if they did not, and I shit you not, have a functioning flag pole. Seriously. No money unless they had a flag pole.

Further to that at one point Nelson had posters made up lauding Simpson of the Donkey fame, the pom medic in Oz uniform who for the three weeks at Gallipoli before he got potted risked his life to remove the wounded from the field of battle. Simpson apparently personified Aussie values and these posters would seep into the consciousness of the kids around it, assisting their patriotism by visual osmosis. However I believe the Simpson poster plan died a natural death when it was pointed out that Simpson was an illegal immigrant ardent trade unionist and communist (see SMH here).

Anyway, for Nelson to harp on about how symbolism doesn't put the food on the table and we don't have time to front up to Australia and say as a nation those before us, and indeed now, cocked some stuff up not only flies in the face of logic, given his past behaviour of giddy nationalistic embrace of populist symbolism like flagpoles and donkey values posters, it's just plain hypocritical.

But then Nelson does like to change his mind on things. For example the rights of Australians to organise for collective bargaining purposes and belonging to a party that by and large stands up for the many not the few (when a unionist and ALP member), to pretty much the opposite to that (Liberal government minister), then, when that got them sacked from office, take a half step back to the middle (um Work Choices bad?).

The man's a fucking pendulum.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Channel 10 - campaigns against having a public holiday

They just had some moronic himbo down at the beach getting vox pops on the fact that we're having a public holiday two days after the event as Oz day fell on the weekend.

What a bunch of fucking sooky wankers.

Australia has around 10-12 public holidays a year. It's about average with the industrialised west. Apparently it costs "1 billion dollars" to have a public holiday according to the fuckstick with the microphone who talked to Prue McSween, "commentator" on social issues, who happened to be against it. Despite the fact A) she was outside at a beach bar and B) having a fucking beer. If she's so rah rah against public holidays why the fuck isn't she working gratis in her office socially commentating to the fucking pot plants.

Why is Channel 10 suddenly becoming a commentator/opinionist on this issue? Why the fuck can't they just report the fucking news instead of reaching in their underpants on a slow news day and reporting on the contents.

UPDATE: Prue McSween was the right wing fuck knuckle on ten's Beauty and the Beast. So no wonder she popped up for some righty bubble and froth on the subject.

Soeharto to get a week's mourning

Channel 10 news announced the former short big man was to get a week's mourning.

Interesting. If Indonesia had a week's mourning for each of just the 500,000 people Soeharto and his cronies killed in their "anti-communism" crusade in the 60's then it would take around 9600 years to complete.

Here's the latest SMH story here.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Not another teen movie

Yep. I'm watching it. And it's piss funny. Again, chalk it up to my list of movies that are schlock but that I secretly love.

Like ConAir.

Put the bunny back in the box twinned with a wife beater and arse long mullet. Great stuff.

Channel 10 - the goodness continues

'Can you give us an update on Heath Ledger?'

Seriously. That was her question to the reporter.

Here's the skinny. He's still fucking dead.

Channel 10 news is fucking awesome.

Channel 10

I do love those mournful ads for Biggest Loser where they have a pensive fattie staring into the camera as their sad voice over describes how this is the year they are going to take their life back from the obesity monster.

Then a few ads later there is one for a triple cheese pizza.

Fuck you Channel 10. You make me feel like absolute shit for being fat with your fucked in the head 'we're here to help but really its about fatties jiggling across the screen' program then you run enticing commercials where steam cradled delish fattie fast food is lovingly splashed across the screen. Of course no fat people in said ads, just crack crazed 20 somethings in bright sweaters ooing and ahhing at every mouthful.

You are a pack of cunts. I hope that a bus load of fatties crashes into your studio and in the confusion many of you get accidentally sat on.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Plane Dead

We're 2/3 through it. To call it a move is to undermine the quality of B movies everywhere.

It is especially and unintentionally hilarious. A must see. I especially love the use of a Heckler & Koch MP5 in the cargo hold and the dude who dropped the flame bomb into the plane's innards. Not to mention the sky marshal carrying armour piercing rounds that easily shoot through the floor.

Great stuff. It's almost as if they consulted absolutely no one involved in the aviation and or security industries.

I can imagine the script meeting.

"Dude, lets give him a fucking machine gun!"

"Dude!"

"Dude!"

".... Dude."

Anyway, if you see it available, get it and watch it.

Jackson - You will be there

Look, he's a dodgy mofo but ... well ... he does good stuff.



I mean we're not going to stop foot stomping to rock and roll just cause Gary Glitter is doing time as a paedo in Vietnam are we?

Exactly.

NooNoos audition for the Chippendales

Sheer genius

Tired of delicately balanced delish pick up from your fave restaurant of choice? Sick of worrying whether they will collapse in a heap on the drive home and have a slurry of fine sauce pooling in the bottom of a plastic bag?

Well worry no more. Use the outer frame of your baby's capsule and keep those bad boys locked in place.











Of course that being said I did notice the lettuce leaves had to be rescued from the sidewell of the door.

From the game I played at the bi mon sci fi con















The game is Dust which is 'Nazis meets alien technology meets Risk meets crack cocaine'. It was a lot of fun to play once the rules were understood.

Anyway the particularly splendid thing about this game is that at some point during the manufacturing process a factory was involved.

A factory that makes miniature models ...

... of factories.

And ... the promo girl at the bi mon sci fi con

Signage at the bi mon sci fi con

Friday, January 25, 2008

The Hole in the Dyke - an excerpt from tonight's reading to theNoo

All night long Peter kept his finger in the dyke.

His fingers grew cold and numb.

He wanted to sleep, but he couldn't give up.

At last, early in the morning, Peter heard a welcome sound. Someone was coming!

Gold. I could not keep a straight face.

Barry Gibb joins my branch

Not the Barry Gibb, but definitely a Barry Gibb. Not the same name, but rather identical in style of hair, beard, and - most importantly - having the shirt open 2-3 buttons.

I couldn't see a medallion nesting in there but I have no doubt that it was there somewhere.

He reminded me of the hair monster from the infamous Joy of Sex, a staple in the libraries of open minded 70's couples across the decade.

I watched what he was eating at our Ozzer lunch. Mostly carbs. Presumably fuel for later tonight as he services the ladies.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Taking a shot in the dark

I can't recall ever being in near pitch darkness whilst taking a dump before. It was odd. But not unpleasant.

I might have to do that again.

Thank gawd for the Jesus bar I can hang on to when trying to pass a particularly troublesome fellow. Mind you I'd probably end up looking like Joe Cocker for the rocking back and forth I am doing.

That is ... if you could see in the dark!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Onion gold

Bill Clinton: 'Screw It, I'm Running For President'

Hitchens pwns Huck

In this country, it seems that you can always get an argument going about "race" as long as it is guaranteed to be phony, but never when it is real. Almost every day brings news of full-dress media-oriented spats about Don Imus, Bob Grant, or the recent nonstory about how some golf show had managed to mention Tiger Woods and the word lynch in the same news cycle. The preceding week had involved some trivial but intense parsing of an exchange between Sens. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. But just let the real thing occur, with a full-blooded and full-throated bellow of old-fashioned authentic racism, and you can see the entire press refusing to cover it for fear of having to confront the real and unvarnished thing (and perhaps for reasons having to do with other "sensitivities" as well).

Gov. Mike Huckabee made the following unambiguously racist and demagogic appeal in Myrtle Beach, S.C., last week:

You don't like people from outside the state coming in and telling you what to do with your flag. In fact, if somebody came to Arkansas and told us what to do with our flag, we'd tell 'em what to do with the pole; that's what we'd do.

This is a straightforward racist appeal for the following reasons:


For the rest see here. Spotted by Crikey

Heath Ledger dead!

See SMH here.

Let's hope he can balance the books ... in heaven.

UPDATE: Apparently the apartment where Heath was found face down was also inhabited by Mary-Kate Olsen.

I'm sure they prised him up at some point to make sure she wasn't under him.

Corey returns with even larger pair

Party Corey, whose last name seems to flit between Delaney and Worthington, has stormed back into the headlines with an even bigger set of sunnies.

'Yo these are just insanely big be-atch,' said Corey to the attending media. 'Check out my pair.'

Little did the assembled media notice that Corey had cunningly devised a visual double entendre as not only was he sporting an even larger pair of novelty sunglasses, presumably purchased at a five dollar store, but he'd cut a hole in his sarong doona so as to reveal his tiny, tiny cherub penis.


'It was a remarkable piece of comedy,' said an attending journo.

'Only it was somewhat undercut by the fact his genitals were remarkably small. If he'd had even an average sized cock and balls then perhaps the joke would have been carried off. Alas this is not the case.'


The assembled media were then charged with Child p0rnography by the desparate Victorian police force for their unintentional Corey cock snappage.

Wifey cleverness

I just notice theWife has put up these little sticky backed pieces of hard sponge on the toilet cistern so when the lid is raised the lid is cushioned against noise of plastic on plastic when it strikes said cistern.

She even made a kind of face out of the sponge placement.

I was so admiring of them that I was still looking at them and not the toilet door I was opening and thus made a loud banging noise of door on wall.

Fortunately thebaby did not wake up.

Kudos wifey!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Area man's mention of sealed bin fails to elicit sex

Area man Douglas Fenbold failed in his attempt to use ownership and frequent maintenance of a bin next to his toilet as a means to win over a potential sexual conquest said a witness to the exchage.

'He was like chatting to this woman and said that his bin in his toilet had a lid and like a plastic bin liner and stuff and that if she needed to put her feminine shit in the bin then it be like no problem because of the lid and said liner,' said the witness.

'It did not work,' she added.


The smooth talking Fenbold was later heard by another person spruiking the bin's existence by declaring a woman's cycle was no obstacle to coitus because 'you know, you can just whips it straight into the bin baby, you don'ts need to sees it and then we can get funky. But with the lights off cause I don'ts need to see that.'

'It's certainly an admirable thing to have a bin located next to the toilet for safe, hygienic disposal of sanitary products,' said women's spokesperson Dr Martha Sengate. 'And indeed any single man that has such an item ready in place is to be commended for thinking enough of women to make such an arrangement. But used as a dot point in his conversational armoury of sex seeking I would say is likely a turn off rather than a turn on.'

Fenbold was also advised against whipping out a box of Libras and flicking the lid open like a pack of cigarettes when women excused themselves to go to the bathroom and offering one of his.

Midget fails to find happy ending

'It seems,' said the little person, 'that no one tosses a dwarf.'

Monday, January 21, 2008

Dear Australian voice over woman

Do you have to vocally represent Oz on every single imported American commercial that features a woman? Do we have to hear your voice every single fucking time no matter what the fucking product is? Do I really believe that you are the actual voice of Colgate when you're the actual voice of so, so, so many products?

Please Australian advertisers. Recruit someone else. And when you dub in Oz woman's voice, or indeed anyone else, try and get the lip syncing accurate. Sometimes you're as bad as Ashlee Simpson.

Sleep deprived and sick

But still soldiering on with looking after theNoo. She's a champion.

Superbad - a short review

Super fucking awesome. Well worth watching.

Forewarned on the Alpha shake

There's a new boss on our floor that I will have semi-dealings with. He's not in my chain of command but there's stuff that I will need to talk with him about.

We've met a few times before so he shook my hand by way of hello.

Fortunately my co-worker had warned my new boss had an alpha shake. It's one of those manly dominant things where he slants with the hand nearly horizontal like a gansta holding a handgun, then gripping tightly throughout the duration of the shake.

It's one of those dominate your opponent things likely learned in between paintball and the art of not looking up when a subordinate enters your office at management summer camp.

So thus forewarned I made sure to angle his hand back vertically upon contact and squeeze hard back. He hid his disappointment well.

I ain't no one's hand be-atch.

Doppelganger

With my flex record being a tad shabby I have elected to catch later buses home. Sometime in mid 2009, assuming I have shorter lunches, I may be in positive figures.

When I reached the bus stop today I discovered I had a doppleganger. Slightly taller than me but the same basic characteristics of beard, glasses, baseball hat, protruding stomach, lack of business attire, sneakers, and dainty backpack slung off one shoulder.


It made me extremely uncomfortable. I felt I had to take my hat off, and hold my bag in my hand so people wouldn't twig to the similarity. Indeed it was like I was in a sketchy spot the differences cartoon.


























Anyway, it was creepy. In the end I stood on the far other side of the bus stop just to keep him away from me.


Sunday, January 20, 2008

Why you should check your pockets

Managed to put a sachet of pain killers and my mobile phone through the wash. Amazingly theWife seems to have resurrected the phone by drying it out. Bit of water in the screen but otherwise unharmed.

UPDATE: No, I am wrong. The keys are fucked. I discovered it when I took a call and could not answer it. It doesn't even work as an expensive clock as it is stuck on the missed call screen.

I am a stupid head.

Yay!

They got married!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Dodgy attempt at some photoshop Corey humour

Haim ... Feldman ... Delaney/Worthington ...


Check out the dodgy mo twins

This is from the slide-show of the header over at Howard's post loss gig inducers, the Washington Speakers Bureau.

















Well I guess in Bolton's case (the mo on the right), he's probably available to speak to the topic 'my years in the 70's porn industry' along with 'how I helped ass-fuck US world reputation'.

Those are some bad, bad mos.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Beastie goodness

Howard set to bore on the world stage

Our former PM, and do I love adding the word former here, John Howard has signed on with a public speaking group to give speeches.

Here's the blurb from Crikey;

Former Prime Minister John Howard has signed with powerhouse public speaking agency Washington Speakers Bureau.

The agency represents a who’s who of the political, media and military establishment. Other recent high profile Washington Speakers Bureau recruits include Tony Blair, former US Senate leader Trent Lott and Arianna Huffington.

Former world leaders such as Valery Giscard d’Estaing, Jose Maria Aznar and Brian Mulroney are on their books, along with international political figures like Colin Powell, Joschka Fischer, James Baker and Chris Pattern.

Bob Dole, Newt Gingrich, Jeb Bush, Norman Schwarzkopf, James Carville, Barbara Walters, Bob Woodward, Donald Trump and the Duchess of York are also on the Bureau’s roster.

The Washington Speakers Bureau publicity material describes the former PM as "one of the most thought-provoking world leaders in modern history". John Howard is the "ideal choice to bring high-level international insight to your next event," it says.

Howard is giving speeches on leadership. I wonder if he's going to mention his leadership excellence in tanking his party's chances at election as a fuck you against his agitating deputy? Probably not.

Anyway, Howard is not a great speaker. He lost every single leadership debate he had when prime minister (except swing voters rarely tuned in to watch it and thus were not influenced - save in 07 when they actually did - which was good). He has a boring monotone voice, his topics are always ideological laced semi-falsehoods, and he fist pumps at odd moments. Also on occasion he suffers facial spasticity when people point out things like how Iraq did not make the world safer.

Finally the Washington speakers group should probably take note that during one of his speeches in the US Howard gave as PM, special guest star Shirley Maclaine famously fell asleep. She's a great actress. And not even she could fake interest.

George Bush is under the delusion he can earn money on the speech circuit, assuming because his more successful father pulls in 50-70k a pop then so can he.

Really? Cue the sound of evening crickets.

Porky Cheesy Peasy Pies

Take slivers of pan fried pork, slivers of cheese, some peas and dump them into pie pastry in your pie maker. Cook. Eat.

Friggin' delish.

Impact movies

There are movies that resonate with you, often movies you watched as teens. Like Wayne's World, Ferris, Spinal Tap, or Reservoir Dogs. Movies you can quote line for line. For Cassmalo it's Pump Up the Volume.

This too was a resonator for me. I watched it with the pain of teen years still raw in my mind. Liked it so much I bought the sound track - which I foolishly lent out and never got back. One dude standing up against the shit, toil, and bubble the prison that is the school system can be.

The funny thing is when you go through angsty teen crap at school it can seem so utterly overwhelmingly awful and that there is no light at the end of it all. But there is. Cause once school is done you can choose who to associate with, what you do as a job or study, where to go and so forth.

Life begins when school is done. But you have to get through school to maximise your chances to pick and choose.

So to those of you at school remember this. Your sentence will end at some point. And though it makes no difference to read this other people are going through the same shit as you.

Or maybe it does.

Anyway, Pump Up the volume. Awesome movie. Watch it.

And here's a YT of Everybody Knows, the prime track of the movie. It's used as an anti Bush thing in this version. Which is fair enough.

Of course the irony of Pump up the Volume is that the kids did take to the air - e-air as in cyberspace. Trouble is a lot of them are Coreys.

Tired

Sorry I've been quiet of late. Just been tired at the day's end and by the time I am free to use the pute I am usually too wasted to think of something to say.

All is good in Mikey land. It was the first full week back at work after nearly a month off. It's not so much the being at work. It's more the having to get up in time to catch the bus.

Stupid work. All I can say is thank gawd for caffeine.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Peeling back the vinyl - relationships

Relationships have their upsides and their downsides. One downside is having to burst/pierce/squeeze boils/pimples of the other they can't readily reach. I had a nasty boil on my neck which theWife kindly squeezed for me ... and a chunk of the badness shot out in her vicinity.

That's some messed up crap.

Of course a big shout out to those whose partners need assistance with bum wiping et al. You people are champions. I'm not sure I can do it.

Monday, January 14, 2008

This young man is going far

I caught his act on the 730 report wearing oversized sunnies and a hoodie, clearly loving the attention from the national media.

Holy fuck what an unpleasant little shit.

UPDATE: here's the SMH story updated.

And here's a pic of him (on right).



















What a pair of fucking champions

Ouch

I admit it. I use cotton buds to clean my ears. Yes, I know it's dumb since all it really does is push wax on to the drum.

Due to my years of budding my righty ear got a bit blocked. Last night I tried Waxsol. All it did was gunk my ear up, rendering me deaf in that ear. I spent all day in discomfort, the weight of wax pressing on my drum, and I ended up going to a walk in clinic to get it syringed.

It was in a word disgusting. A curved needle nose syringe was fitted in my ear and what seemed like half a litre of warm water was forced into it two or three times. It was fucking painful - because my ear drum has been inflamed. He showed me the contents of the kidney bowl. It seriously looked off. A thick film of brown waxy oil floating in the water with bits of clotted wax. It looked like some sort of hearty brown broth, only less hearty and more incredibly gross.

Ear still hurts but at least I can hear now.

Anyway, the cotton buds for cleaning. I will no longer use them. I will use Ear Clear instead.

Ahh ... Cobras!

Last night I had a night terror. I had been reading Diamond Mask by Julian May, which is the sort of book that imprints on your thoughts as you drift off to sleep.

Specifically in this case the thought of having a psychic cannibal attempt to drain my life energies and render me a small pile of ash.

Apparently I leaped out of bed screaming, headed for the window. TheWife attempted to calm me but I believe I claimed she was the psychic cannibal looking for my energies. Eventually I was coaxed back to bed and patted softly until I went back to sleep.

I hate night terrors.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Spam Badness II

Hello my new dear friend!!!
I am very glad, that I can write to you the letter. I, the truth, do not know,
whether my letter will reach you as first time I use the Internet. But very much
I hope, that my letter will reach you. My name Nataliya. I - the nice and passionate
woman, but I am lonely. My heart dies without love. I am really tired to be one in
this life!!! I very strongly want to love, and to be loved worthy the man. I need in
kisses and love and tenderness as I very long time did not receive these fine feelings!!!
I search for the man which will like, and to respect me!!! I search for the man which
will appreciate all my qualities, and to support me in difficult situations. I search
for the man to which I can entrust not only the feelings, desires, dreams but also as
the most important - the life!!! I want serious relations, to create a home. I liked
your structure, and I would like to start to get acquainted with you. I very strongly
hope, that you that the man which I searched for all life!!! If our purposes in a life
identical I shall wait with the great pleasure from you for the reciprocal letter!!!
With hope for your reciprocity, your new friend Nataliya!!!

P.S. And if I have really interested you, and you want to begin acquaintance to me -
that in the following letter I shall send you the photos!!!

Please, write to me directly on my email: (deleted)

The sad thing is that this person will indeed get people writing back to them.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Spam badness

Looking to meet up with the local bar slut? Well she is looking for you as well. Horny single girls in your area who are looking for no strings attached fun. Hop inside and find yourself a horny little fuck buddy.

(weblink deleted)

Well she doesn't sound very hygienic does she? And how do you hop inside? Crawl in her gusset?

Money conversations

Next to aberrant sexual or hygienic behaviours, possibly the worst topic of conversation for couples.

I fucking hate them. But they have to happen now and then and the quicker it gets over and done with the better. Still loathe them.

Sigh. Stupid money.

Again, fuck you St George.

Boob cleft

Told you it could be googled.

Turns out we live next door to e-bogans

How can we tell? Rusting on their lawn for the last week, face down, is an old CRT monitor.

On a side note their shed in the corner of the yard seems to be glowing courtesy of the use of a powerful light. Gee, what could be in there? Probably explains the fucking dog they have in the yard.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Fuck you St George

Since we got our home loan late last year, St George have bunged up the rate by .45%. So that's another $100 a month I think. Over 30 years it's another $30,000 in interest.

Fuck you St George. Fuck you lots. If you make a fucking record profit again then you have no fucking legs to stand on you reptilian fuck.

I am not an economist. So can someone explain how the fuck variable rates work in that banks can tell their clients 'um ... we've decided you owe us more money - we haven't done anything to earn it but pay up nonetheless'?

PS you can see St George defending their rate rise here where they claim they have absorbed a 0.30% increase in their costs already. Yeah, and monkeys fly out of my butt. Banks in Oz have been taking advantage of global rates which are far cheaper than Oz to borrow money. And I think the US just lowered their rates again. So I can't see how this is possible.

The pin head saved us

I found out yesterday that I have suffered a hearing loss. Turns out that righty ear is gunked up with a thick layer of wax and lefty, which I have been regularly cleaning liquid wax out from, is not actually waxy but has a combo of wax and pus. Yep, pus. It seems I have had a perforated ear for a long, long time which has been secreting the wonderful world of pus. I have a referral to an ear/nose/throat Dr but chances are it will still take six months to see someone because they are all backed up.

Much like my ears.

Anyway thewife has been convinced I have had a hearing loss because of my inability to hear her on occasion so she was quite impressed to know this. Except on the drive home she attempted to link the ear thing to having also caused low grade brain damage because we had an argument over whether the satellite supermarkets in Canberra constituted a corner store (I said no because they don't sell hot food, which is the NSW thing, but it seems on a straw poll with other people they agree with her that they do count as corner stores), and my logic train shat her up the wall.

So there we were locked into one of those stupid couple fights about nothing where I was now blaming my ear for a whole host of other health related issues I suffer, since if it affected the brain then ergo everything else too, and it was getting to be somewhat unpleasant in the vehicle when we discovered that in the car in front of us was a pin head.

An actual pin head. As in a really small head as opposed to someone acting in an idiotic manner.

Well all previous disputes vanished with this new discovery as we looked upon them in wonder, trying to figure out how small a person they must be to have such a little head.

It was seriously small.

We tried pulling up next to them to get a good look and their pinniness but alas they turned off.

So, there you go. In the middle of a fight in a car with your loved ones? Find a pin head and talk about that instead.

Couples counsellors take note. If you have a fractious couple going at it in your office just whip out a book of circus freaks and soon, as one, they will be leafing through your big book of entertaining deformities ooing and ahing over that within.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Megabuzz - a short review

We have PS2. We have most of the Buzzes. We tried Megabuzz tonight using all eight paddles. It rawks. But don't be a smarmy fucker that gets the most points because Megabuzz simply uses points to determine the number of hitpoints you get in the pie fight (like Assassin from big buzz) and every one else will be jealous of your giant brain and take you out early on.

Ahhh

There is something supremely satisfying about using hygiene products when they are newish. The massive bar of soap Vs the hard to control sliver, or the fat tube of tooth paste Vs the nearly empty, you have to squeeze so the remnants ground hog out the top, tube.

I love new products day!

Area man has a barium swallow

Well that was not fun. I had to change in a of those micro booths into the backless gown, drink two cups of chemicals, have an injection, stand in front of a x-ray thing and sip still gross chemicals whilst adopting supermodel poses, then be tilted backwards on a table into a horizontal position then roll around like a pig in muck so the chemicals would coat my insides to have more x rays taken. Told them it was the worst meal I had ever had and demanded to see the manager.

Still it could of been worse. At least unlike the two following me mine was oral...

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Cause and effect

TheNoo has just worked out that if he flicks his little leg up and smacks it into the dangling face then the music fires off on his musical arch.

He now has now reached the developmental equiv of a cocaine addicted rat.

Go theNoo!

I am so fucking proud of him I can burst. I danced around the end room singing and clapping madly.

Appealing to your base and their basest elements

The US election, as ever, is shaping up to be a fascinating event for us Political nerds. It is the ultimate industralised west election because of the knock on effect the result has on the rest of the world.

For example, there would be half a million more Iraqi's alive today (probably, not even Saddy's secret police would have iced that many though sanctions would have killed a few) had the 2000 election actually been legitimately awarded to Gore instead of via a court case where the court was stacked with Republican nominees. Not to mention the fact climate change amelioration effects would already be locked in place by President Gore and all this crap we're slogging through would be but a memory now.

Anyway, the primaries are particularly interesting since candidates have to appeal to their base supporters to get the nod to go toe to toe with the rival party and move closer to the centre.

The Dems, fortunately, are fairly united on core issues like actually having a working health care system. The Republicans, fortunately, are behaving like a bunch of moronic tanshoots gibbering and frothing over evils like immigration and taxes.

Check this crap out here where the front runners Romney and Huckabee are shrieking that each other are the biggest tax increase types.

Republicans love lower taxes. Because for some reason they think the US is still frontier land. They do. They think the little man should be left alone to sit in his hand made log cabin, bear their babies the American way, and government should be a denuded nub of half a dozen people whose sole aim is to provide monies for a strong military. Okay, this is clearly an exaggeration but its true to say that to be pro-tax is to not want to be in the political life of right of centre.

Thanks to the Bush tax cuts the US is experiencing its biggest even deficit. It's something like nine trillion in the hole. The vaunted tax cuts, a reward to the base who love such things, have done incalculable damage to the US's bottom line. Who holds the bonds/markers for this debt? The Chinese for one.

Here in Oz in the last election we actually had one of the parties stop on the brink of the hand back and direct to services. And they won.

Here's why taxes rawk.

As technology increases, infrastructure needs increase. Broadband, roads, transport systems, advanced health treatments, educational needs and so forth, as they increase in scope, then they need more money. It is communal money for much of it, spent via taxes, to benefit everyone. Taxes ensure better services for all, especially those that need it most. A healthier, happier people able to better access support mechanisms produces more Sure, there's still debate on this but for the most part I'd say this is a given.

Yet fuckwits on the right scream about how governments can't tax or should tax at the bare minimum despite all the damage done.

Romney and Huckabee both increased taxes during their time as governors, largely however because of their state legislatures, to improve services and the quality of life of their residents. Instead of pointing the finger at each other and screaming 'taxer' they should come clean with their base and say 'yes we did, we did it to make all our lives better. I will not apologise for improving the roads, health, and schools. Taxes are necessary. They are not evil. They are for the common good. I will do my best to restore a fucked up economy that was ruined by the bizarre premise that giving millionaires more cash back means they will somehow whack it back into infrastructure and improve the economy. Trickle down does not work. It never has. Never will.'

Taxes are a good thing. It's bad when they are badly spent, such as funding ideology driven ad campaigns, but it's good when they move the USS Society to safer waters through targeted spending.

I'd happily pay more tax for better services for all. Hopefully, the 2007 election in Oz proved that sentiment is shared by many others.

PS High on pain killers. The above may be gibberish.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Now I have become man

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 1 Corinthians 13:11

When I was an enforced Christian, having to attend chapel at the all boys private school I had been sentenced to, I hated hearing this verse. Because to me it basically said I was a cockhead for playing Dungeons and Dragons.

I still hate this verse.

But, manliness has occurred to HM. For I discovered that when you mow a lawn, and its your lawn, and you're using a lawn mower that does not shit you up the wall when you try and start it (damn you ripcords, damn you to hell), it's actually semi-pleasurable when you finish and see a semi-physical job well done.

Also one of our bodgy fans was rattling. I took it apart, cleaned it, tightened it, and now it works again.

Chalk that up to more manliness.

At this rate I will be drinking full strength beers instead of shandifying them.

Closure

Channel 7, attempting to take over as our most jingoistic TV channel, had a report on how Marrickville council had sent a letter to the Indon govt asking them to spare the bombers. The entire report was loaded against the council, including an interview with Peter Hughes, survivor, saying sparing the bombers interfered with the victim's "closure".

Yes, that's right, the victims need closure. Because until three other people die they cannot possibly get over their pain, suffering and loss.

Killing the perpetrators makes them martyrs. It's what they want. These deluded douches honestly think a trip to paradise is on the cards for them when they get popped one by the state in the back of the head. It's not waiting for them.

Why can't these people remain in prison for life? Why do they need to be killed? It serves no purpose save some wanky new age crystal worshiping lets hug Dr Phil moment called 'closure'.

I tell you what victims. If these fucktards do get executed, and they gain martyr status, and more people die as a result of other religious types being recruited into a quasi religious nationalistic struggle, is your closure worth it? That your pain is visited upon someone else?

This is primo death begets death territory. These people want to die. Don't let them.

We're better than this. The victims are better than this.

I noticed Channel 7 utterly failed to interview vocal victims who lost loved ones who have been completely against the death penalty. Funny that.

Jingoistic lowest common denominator fucksticks*.

*Channel 7, not the victims.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Channel ten does something right

Letterman is back on tellie, the host's company having cut a deal with the Writer's union on various demands. Channel ten is actually showing his shows within days of their appearance in the US, instead of the fucked up three month delay they had previously.

Well done ten. At this stage you're approaching the success rate of a broken wind up clock. Let's see if you can keep going.

Letterman has a beard. It's weird.

But as a fellow weirdie I approve.

Ah what the heck - here's some light photo shopping

Friday, January 04, 2008

Turnbull pulling it

I just saw him on Channel Ten news. Unbelievably he tried to cast blame on Rudd for being in charge when there was an interest rate rise. He's been in office what 30 odd days? Come on Turnbull, you're better than that. Rudd said he would put downward pressure on interest rates, not prevent their rise due to all the shit that happened when your government was on watch. To attempt to convince people otherwise is not only partisan politics it makes you look like a fuckstick.

Save it for when you're leader mate when people expect it. 'Cause speaking as Shadow Treasurer like this makes you not only ineligible to run the Australian economy it's likely you'd have trouble winning the post for your local tennis club too.

I went to see if Turnbull had a press release to go with his doorstop on Ten and noticed the Lib website. has a spanking new look - no Mainstream Values or Go for Growth in the header etc. Then I clicked on Ministers hoping to find his Shadow missive there. Whoops - the old site back from when they were in government is up! See here.

My favourite pic of the then Ministers for the Libs is Kevin Andrews. You can see it replicated below.









Now who does he remind me of. That's it, Ox from Stripes!


Note to self

When the GM is resisting your PC's plan to have his donkey impregnate the rest of the party's mares so they can produce mules that he can then use to smuggle things in their inoperable reproductive cavities, don't keep pushing it. Because even if you roll a nat 19 to get your donkey in the 'ready, steady, go' position she will simply make your Donkey a premature ejaculator.

You may also get less experience points for wanking around.

Meme: 5 things I wouldn't put on an online dating profile

Via MB. I tag Uncle Bruce in return.

So ... five things I wouldn't put in. Well as Sarah noted, the Meme's creator, it's all about best e-face forward. So presumably all the annoying shit I do that would put a prospective dater of moi off.

Which is tough cause I tend to be brutally honest about myself, and I can see that being the case in dating e-land were I to launch into that. Right then assuming myself as of now.

1) My marital status. Obviously since I am married, this information may prove to be a turn off for the ladies.

2) A photo of me that includes my body. While I will admit my girth to be generously ampled, the photographic proof of that, which would probably resemble one of those poor fuckers that TV stations like to shoot waist to neck as accompaniment imagery for any story at all to do with weight or exercise so their emaciated TV skinny tartlets can tut tut with their thin lips about the evil fatties that are putting up taxes through poor lifestyle choices, might prove a turn off.

3) Any reference, photographic or otherwise, to my deformed toe nails. The big toe nails are sunk into my toe flesh (I take care of the ingrown sides via teasing the side up with nail scissors then levering them off) and I have pulled off all the other nails so many times though grow into 1/2 cm high horny claw like discoloured growths.

4) My various bad habits. This is kind of a catch all for all the unpleasant crap I do 'cause otherwise this meme would be several dozen things I wouldn't include: ill temper with inanimate objects or shitty luck; foot skin picking/leaving skin in the carpet; inability to take criticism, constructive or not, without getting the hump initially; and a whole host of other stuff.

5) The above takes care of a huge chunk of stuff. I guess the last would be disclosure of the fact I tend to have shitty self esteem and largely regard myself as a failure. That kind of subconfidence may influence the ladies to not look my way. They seem to like confident bastards. So I should be a complete bastard and shag them until their ears drop off. Except of course the moment my body hoves into view then (2) kicks in, plus (3) if I am wearing open toed sandals, thus rendering Operation Fucklots inoperable.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

We're back

Holy heck that was a long drive. Thank gawd for the M7 and being able to get through Sydney in an hour. Took us 11 hours in total.

TheBoy was amazing. He dozed for seven hours, had a bit of a grizzle, and really only arced up after nine hours or so. I don't blame him. Must be hell in those kiddie seat things.

The visit as a whole was great. Long though and we're glad to be back. And for some reason this fucking computer takes 20 minutes to boot up until it's internet ready. Grrr. Any ideas e-friends?

Drive back highlights as follows;
  • Finding a three inch crawly on my arm forcing me to flick it out the window
  • Being tail gated by at least three trucks
  • Nearly being wiped out by a Ford Terios on a roundabout because the fuckwit driving it didn't realise he had to give way to the right.
Anyway, theWife was amazing. She did the bulk of the driving, all the feeds, the calming etc. Only to discover when she got home there was a spider in the loo roll, said spider falling into her pants that were then around her ankles. She don't like the spiders.

Cats were glad to see us, though the hairy fuckers have moulted all over the Dr Evil chair. A big thanks to the lads for looking after them.

So, so glad we're back. Like I said, it was a long, long, long day.

Here's the Noo in his Xmas clobber. Cute!




















UPDATE: I forgot another trip back event. I saw Angry Anderson at a petrol station. Here's the funny thing, the air pump he was trying to use wasn't working which seemed to piss him off. I later saw him stomping in the direction of the counter in order to remonstrate someone about it.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Piano meets Penis


You know that erectile disfunction ad when the two 'pianists' (ho, ho) who play a lovely duet with their erect dongers? Aka Sniff and Stiff (or Stiff and Stiff, I can't tell). They still run it now and then.

In fact you can find it here.

Anyway, I got to thinking one night whilst listening to them play their perfect duet. In order to avoid whacking two keys at once for a discordant sound with their engorged nobs, and strike a single key dead centre, then they must be a pair of complete pin dicks.

Well done ad company for creating a commercial where users of the product are implied to be potentially suffering from slivercock.

You must be very proud.

Henderson; inadvertantly hilarious

Gerard Henderson, alas, is still being employed by Fairfax to give his righty spin to the world even when I would hazard it's not wanted. I do find it somewhat bemusing that the Libs are out of office in the top tiers of government in Oz yet so many of their fucked in the head cheer squad dominate the dailies, such as Henderson, but well that's one for the ages.

Henderson today managed to burble on about Hicks - you can find it here.

Hendo thinks Hick's "fan club" loves Hicks and everything he does, makes excuses for the fucked things he thought/said/did and want Hicks to make loads of dosh selling his story.

So forth, and so on etc ad nauseum.

You see in Hendo land anyone who supported proper legal treatment for David Hicks was in his fan club and completely ignored all the shitty stuff as noted.

No, we didn't. The vast bulk of people, which included the majority of Australians, said Hicks got a raw deal legally. Not what he did was okay with people. It wasn't. He held some pretty ordinary views and things he did overseas hardly any of us would agree was hunky dory.

Henderson is convinced it was the man we supported - in all his jihad loving glory. It wasn't. What we supported was the right for someone in the justice system to receive justice. Why is that? Because one day it could be us and right wing cockheads like Henderson who think civil liberties is nothing more than efeete lawyers milking the system for dosh will make that more likely.

After-all it's people like Hendo that allowed things like secret detention, which exists in this country, to become possible. To allow cops not to have to go to a judge for up to six* months for a wiretap order. To allow control orders placed on people not because of a crime they commited but because of views they hold and skill sets they possess.

I don't like what Hicks did. But I sure as fuck support his right to receive fair and even treatment and not be shut up in a legally voided hell hole and have stuff inserted in his shitter while in custody.

Henderson doesn't get it, and never ever will. Henderson is the one who is in denial.

UPDATE: * I originally had sex months, for which I was rightly teased by Uncle Bruce.

Flesh hair

Am I the only one who finds animated characters whose hair and face colour is not delineated, such as with Bart, Lisa, and Maggie, and also Dilbert, a little creepy?

Probably.

It doesn't change the fact it is.

HM's first movie experience of the year

And indeed of the last four months.

Today's solo outing (though I went with a friend) was the National Treasure: Book of Secrets. On the whole, it was okay. Overall I would rate it a C+, OK, not great.

However two things about the experience shat me.

The first was the cockhead behind me who slouched down in his seat so his knees pressed into the back of my seat. I did the half turn glare about a dozen times to no avail. Eventually I moved seats ... only to have his specie wife do the same thing.

Grrr.

The second, well let me start by saying well done to the cinema complex. On the doors it had 'PLEASE TURN YOUR MOBILES OFF'. The first ad screened was 'PLEASE TURN YOUR MOBILES OFF'. This was bookended by the last ad which repeated the message.

Fifteen minutes in I hear 'Hello? What? Sorry I am in a movie, hang on a second...' and then whoever it was fortunately took the conversation outside.

Twenty years ago this was not a problem. The only sort of person who had a mobile had the house brick one and chances are they were a stockbroker and thus unlikely to be met in my movie attending circles. Now you're a wanker if you don't have a mobile apparently.

You know who the real fucking wanker is? The cockwit who ignored written then spoken (twice) advice to please turn off, then still managed to not only have it on, but answer their mobile and have a fucking conversation on it.

Nice one you moldering arse-hat.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Found 'em

I am a fat person. This has not been disguised. My parents, bless 'em frequently have visitors. They like to have delish little long lasting treats they can whip out for guests to have along side the twin standards of liquid guest provisions of tea and coffee.

Which is a fair cop.

Trouble is I like to eat, being fat. The main reason why I am fat. Which means my parents often discover their treats have been somewhat nobbled into by me during the night like a shoe maker elf that does not make shoes when the shoe maker is asleep and instead gobbles delish tuck.

So ... my dad hid the fruit mince pies. Which, again, is a fair call since I hoovered about 10 on Xmas day along with my brother and others. And when Dad had his bestie around, I ate another five for breakfast which concerned Dad so much he grabbed the tray of survivors, said 'you've had enough', then craddled the tray protectively until he could get them to his secret store.

On Xmas day I took a note of the construction of the tin the new batch of FMP was kept in and asked theWife to keep an eye out for it. Yesterday she found it, on top of the bookshelf in the study.

Since he went to the effort of hiding it we only took one each.

But ... should I leave a note?

What a spawney get

At my folk's place we've been playing scrabble. Which is always amusing when you have a semi-insulting or rude word and you play it (because they get all shocked etc). Git for example is regarded as crass but well it's legit and must therefore be accepted.*

But, through blind luck I have managed to win the bulk of the games. It's been a combo of lucky letters and come from behind victories where I tiled out first and got enough points off those left in people's hands to edge across the line.

I am the Stephen Bradbury of inter-family scrabble. However, unlike Stephen Bradbury I A) am not an olympic professional who used a legit method in his chosen sport of hanging behind the lead pack in case of a spill and B) I did not slice myself open on a tile and lose almost all my blood like he did with his chosen equipment.

And by equipment I don't mean his cock. I mean his skates.

That was a given. Otherwise he'd have a very sore girlfriend.

Though I have to admit I caned the last game in cause they kindly let me have Yorks on a triple off Hefts. However at one point I had me SANDING, which is the full seven letter word, only there was no place to put it.

(Shakes fists at scrabble gawds)

Hey ... I think I just told a Rimmer story! Well it got me into Irkutsk.


* WARNING, rude note below





I had cunt at one stage. I did not however play it.