Saturday, October 15, 2011

Guaranteed tear leakers and Mikey talks more about his fabulous body

Little Drummer Boy on The West Wing.

And I Don't Like Mondays.

I cry every single time, like a giant nancy-man resplendent in
quick-release clothing. Needed so I can access absorbent cloth quickly in order to mop up my tear-streaked-and-swollen face.

Speaking of secretion of bodily fluids...

After I ride The Purgatory Cart (1) sometimes the sweat is so bad I actually do have to strip off my shirt and use it to mop off all my muscle crying (2). I end up half naked, like a gone-to-seed Victorian-era cycling-fists bare-chested boxer, leg-pronated like a ballerina doing a discrete fart, the air cool on my now merely damp upper body.

I can't but help then feel like that if I had a past life—and isn't it just grand how important past lives (3) were?—I was a puffy bald eunuch that conducted most of his business in the public baths (4), my albino orca-like body wreathed in steam and conspiratorial whispers (5).

(1) Sung to the tune of Hitler, has only got one ball (1a). ♫♪ Casso, she lent it to me. Casso, she's twixt four and three. Casso, she is smarto!, she knows what a noun is, plus adverb and verb ♫♪.
(1a) What an age we live in. That I can plug that into Wikipedia with the reasonable expectation that there will be a page on it. What an age. I feel like the long-haired oddly-lipped Ken-doll that played the protagonist in The Lawnmower Man.
(2) A new Mikeyism for sweat! Sweet...

(3) My favourite group house—from a total of about five and six before I left such life and theWife and went more-than-two-becomes-two—was one that was a hundred metres from a three-shop-building. There was a bakery, a mixed business (i.e. general store (slash) greasy spoon), and a laundromat. Years ago the building had a giant Hotstuff the little devil emblazoned on the beige brick of the outer wall—I think it had something to do with flogging pies. The devil faced southbound highway traffic, the highway cutting through the middle of my town (3a). Our house didn't have a washing machine so we used the laundromat, shuffling in thongs along hot tarred road back and forth between sessions. The mixed business had a small but reasonably up-to-date movies for rent. VHS, kids (... and your music). So now and then we'd club together to get one, and anyone in the house would pile into the large lounge room to watch it on the tiny colour TV. From the mixed business we borrowed ... The Lawnmower Man. We also borrowed The Langoliers. Now this is the mid-nineties. So CGI was not yet perfected. And, being a Stephen King movie, it was ever-so-slightly on the edge of being B level in terms of production values and acting. That being said ... we thought it was AWESOME! (and it was!). Today I was chasing theBoy around, despite the lancing pain of my hip, because I'd taken two of the white clothes baskets and joined them together like a walnut shell. Then, gripping through the plastic mesh opened and closed the baskets like a mouth on its side. It was a Langolier! Munch, munch, munch. If theBoy likes a new game and you've elected to have a rest from it he will come over, still wanting to go a few more rounds. 'Let's do that!' he says, eyes shining. 'The munching game. Come on.' Then he will reach out and grab you by the hand and lead you back into the arena. Look at that puddum! How can you say no to that?
(3a) The bypass took about ten years to build. They built the bridges first ... but then paused the project for around five years. So the bridges stood like some sort of paleolithic stone monuments, eventually soiled by layer-upon-layer of caked graffiti. There were about five of them in the sequence. You could climb on to a few of them, so people would sometimes sit up there, drink and talk shit.
(3)
I love that Rimmer's past life was as Alexander the Great ...'s chief eunuch.
(4) I rarely watch free-to-air TV. But the other day I was watching the ABC and they had this kewl show about six builders attempting to build a Roman villa, complete with baths, using Roman construction techniques where legally allowed to do so (modern health and safety rightly put paid to practices from then that are not safe now. For example, wheelbarrows have to be used over the Roman carts as the latter didn't have safety certification). Anyway, it's called Rome Wasn't Built in a Day and it was/is awesome! (4a).
(4a) One of the best The Onion headlines, where it's just a joke header, was 'Diorama of Rome build in a day.' Damn you The Onion!
(5) That is an awesome name for a p0rn movie big on sapphic action (5a). Attention p0rnagraphers, you may use it.
(5a) That name almost certainly is already in use with Rocky-esq sequels in the franchise and almost certainly several other movies where between sapphic and action is the word Anal. Like a very disturbing piggy-in-the-middle.

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