Monday, February 22, 2016

Paper tiger

As part of a graduated return there is much admin with forms and doctor's visits. It was at the tale end of the latter, as I was standing there with my pit crew chief A—, that I re-arranged a fat stack of admin on the counter in front of me and in that fat stack I saw something.

I took fright. I started shaking and crying from anxiety. A— took me over to some chairs. She gently reminded me the future is the focus and this is just a moment. We rejoined the queue, finished admin then left, A— taking that fat stack with her.

I hate that I am both fragile and strong. That I can be so resilient yet the mere flash of a paper tiger brings me low. But that tiger came after a good hour of talking horror so I put it down to that; I was cocked and loaded and then a trigger got pulled. 

At work I returned to web site fixin' bliss, reading through content management manuals as I bashed my way through hard mapping a site as a customer would use it. Work you can lose yourself in.

I'm on longer days and with the doctor's visit in the morning it meant, for the first time this year, I was still at work at close of business. The new boss and team were having a moment with email admin and I fixed it; I felt useful.

My psychologist said I need to learn to rely on internal validation, not external. Because while external validation of worth is awesome when it's great, if that is damaged or pulled out from under you then you have nothing left.

I am worthy just being here—I don't need validation from other people or from accomplishment.  

Still, it was nice feeling useful. 

New role, area and building; WFTW.

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